Last week (January 2021) I posted on Facebook about Trump and the government. There were over 100 comments, most of them conflict. A Christian friend asked me to delete it because of the meanness, so I did. There was one particular person who was mean and insulting to people she did not even know.

I have respect for people who are not afraid to calmly get into conflict especially face to face and who stay respectful. I also have more respect for those willing to do conflict than those who never-ever do conflict except for secret gossip and back biting. And I especially respect those who can admit when they are wrong during conflict and continue to pursue truth.

Patrick Lencioni an executive coach teaches about conflict and how important healthy conflict is to any organization.

Patrick Lencioni has great insight on conflict. Click here to hear him teach on conflict —> https://youtu.be/9VZERZyY198

This week I felt like perhaps I’ve been divisive on social media. I asked 5 people who know me well their opinions about this. The consensus was not intentionally but some people do perceive me to be divisive.

I have to interpret that as “yes you are divisive on social media”, because almost no one knows motives on social media. if the net result is divisiveness then the answer is yes.

I can say that within the past two years people have crossed a line into cruel divisiveness on my posts. Which one could argue I am somewhat responsible for.

I’m not sure how to fix this, other than just not posting on serious or controversial things and only share them here on my blog.

I think there are extremes around conflict with Jesus himself being our gold standard example.

Extremes of Conflict

1) Conflict as a Weapon (accusers, divisive, cruel): This extreme is the divisive person, using emotion, biting and devouring of people to create and perpetuate conflict and division where there was not division before. (Politicians can be great at this)

2) Never Do Conflict (artificial harmony): Another extreme is to refuse to engage in any conflict, fearing all conflict as bad. I know many people like this, they openly proclaim they are like this. Negative things are talked about but only come out as gossip to a tight circle. Relationships are kept shallow, surface level and cannot deepen because of a fear and avoidance of any conflict. Also things stay shallow because trust levels stay low due to gossip.

Most churches I’ve experienced stay in this artificial harmony zone and over time it feels fake to those being honest. Leaders fear conflict getting out of hand because they are not trained in dealing with it, and really don’t care to be. And often leaders are more interested in control than in pursuit of truth. So unfortunately they squash dissent, or disagreement, or open discussion and thereby needlessly drive away many people.

3) Healthy Conflict (Jesus Christ): willing to engage in conflict confidentially. Conflict is always done in context of the pursuit of truth. Never gets cruel or bullies weaker people. Is patient and kind, willing to forgive, confess, or apologize if necessary. Is not fearful of those who come at him, also willing to go toe to toe with false accusers. Doesn’t hold grudges and punish conflict or drive people away when it happens.

I strive for the third example myself, but I have to admit I’ve dabbled in both 1 and 2 unfortunately. The older I get the more comfortable I am with conflict and appreciate its power in building relationships, establishing trust and coming to truth within groups. Conflict is a skill we can obtain.

What do you think about conflict?